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Santa hacks Rudolph.

December 18, 2011
13:07 PM

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1 comment.

Unprovoked Toilet Attacks

December 18, 2011
08:49 AM

In the last two weeks I have been given distinct evidence of something that I have suspected for some time ; that the average French Doublavaysay or Toilette is getting smaller.
The first incident occured in a WC in a cafe in the city of Beziers which serviced a cafe of about 75 covers. As I squeezed into this miracle of minature bathroom planning I did notice that on my left hand side as I faced what is delicately known as the pan , there was an extremely adjacent and miniscule hand basin with a hand drier over it. As I proceeded about my business I became aware of a loud whooshing sound and a distinct (and initially not unfomfortable) feeling of extreme warmth on my left buttock. Despite many contortions (necessarily constrained by the business in hand) I was unable to switch it off. By the time I managed to complete my business the same buttock was distinctly warm and (I am sure ) pink.
You can ,I am sure, imagine my shock.
The second unprovoked toilet attack happened in Montpellier , about a week ago and in a similar sized cafe. As I checked out this minature marvel I noticed with some relief the lack of a hand air drier. Instead , perched over the compulsurary doll sized sink , this time on my right hand side, was a paper towel dispensing machine.
This time the attack was more unexpected, as I proceeded , the machine , activated by my right buttock , proceeded to disgorge its contents which then balanced delicately on my right buttock. This attack was even more difficult to recover from as I had to remain in the toilet for some time between flushes as I got rid of all the evidence.

I share these incidents with you just to act as a warning of the new and unjustified terrors which an unsuspecting gentleman of a certain age and stature can encounter in a boys room in France.

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Lost in Translation Seventy Eight

December 15, 2011
14:50 PM

It has never struck me before but there might be a necessity to have an interpreter to translate between passionate followers of rugby and the rest of the world.
In last Monday’s Irish Times there is a travel offer for a week end to attend a rugby match in France . I quote:
” As well as fantastic rugby there are plenty of local attractions, lively bars and quality restaurants to enjoy “ and what is the name, you may ask, of this previously unknown town which Rugby fans are going to discover ? It is called Paris.

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Lost in Translation Seventy Seven

December 14, 2011
05:24 AM

Yesterday , in Beziers we saw a sign for the Toilettes in an American style diner had been thoughtfully translated into Water Closed– thereby giving the totally wrong impression.

Apologies for my sporadic blogging of late but the awful truth is I have decided to try and write A BOOK.
So far , out of a projected 70 thousand words I have managed a not unworthy 17 thousand.
All will be revealed when I feel that it is possible that it might get finished.
In the meantime the blogging will remain , I’m afraid , spotty.

5 comments

Spiced Beef for Christmas

December 6, 2011
16:27 PM

When I had the restaurant I always made my own spiced beef , around the end of November I would put my beef down for dry spicing. Let it marinade for about a fortnight, turning from time to time as it gradually made it own liquid marinade, cook it , and then it would be just about ready for the Christmas parties, where I served it cold, sliced thinly with my own green tomato chutney.

This Christmas I decided to give it another go.
Now there is one ingredient in the spicing mix which it is very difficult to get your hands on : Saltpetre.
As this is used by various illegal organisations to make bombs the chemist is under total edict not to sell it without a permit , my normally friendly pharmacist in Waterford many years ago was adamant , no saltpetre without a written permit from the guards.
He gave me the distinct feeling that compared to saltpetre, heroin , or the recreational drug of my choice, was as available as candy.

Now it happens that the guards owed me a favour.

When the court sat in Waterford , don’t ask me which one, high or circuit , the judges and the barristers and the court clerks would come for a meal in Dwyers.
While at the meal Their Honours were always guarded by a member of Gárdaí who would stand outside the door for the night . This must have been a barrel of laughs for the poor guard, freezing outside while they all made merry (and they knew how to make merry ) inside.
One particular miserable wet and cold night something snapped and I took my courage in my hands and went out to the guard on duty.
“He would ” I explained “have a perfect view of the front door and all who entered if he stood at the window, out of the cold in my spare bedroom on the first floor ”
He concurred and came in through the kitchen and stood dutifully at the window.
I think one of the more susceptible of the waitresses may have brought him a cup of tea- he was a good looking young man.
As I said they owed me a favour.

So , the moment when the time came to make the spiced beef I went toque in hand to the barracks and asked for a permit.
Having had a long harrangue on the dangers of the substance and the necessity of always keeping it in a safe I was given the permit (and the nom-de-guerre of 008)

And so it came to pass that, in looking through my spices last week I found that I still possessed the necessary half ounce of saltpetre (for the record- it is all gone now!)So I was able to go ahead with my plans.

Problem number two was what piece of beef to use.
French butchers cut their beef in totally different ways to Irish butchers.
I took my problem to Michel , M. Buttonier , my excellent village butcher.
I explained that I needed a large piece , 3 kilos or so , of beef off the bone.
This had to have a fair marbling of fat and yet be resilient to stay intact after a fortnights marinade and a long 5 hour cooking.
I had used Flank, Silverside and Round in Ireland , Michel told be that he reckoned that Collier , a cut from the neck unknown in Ireland , would be perfect (at this stage we were in his cold room , feeling our way through the hanging carcases while he showed me where he would make his incisions)
Well satisfied I called back that evening and collect two beautiful , well marbled pieces of beef, each weighing in at just under 11/2 kilos.

Problem number three was what to use for the allspice berries , a part of the spice mix in my recipe.
It was a lady in a spice shop in Nimes a couple of weeks before who had advised to use the French Charcutier’s Quatre Epice claiming that it is the same as Allspice- it’s not but it is damn close.

Here is my original recipe which I think I copied from a combo of those offered by Elizabeth David and Theodora Fitzgibbon.
As you will see it is not even converted to metric so that dates it a bit.
As for the saltpetre … well failing a permit being gotten from the guards my best solution would be to leave it out. Your meat will not have that cheerful rosy glow (saltpetre is what makes ham and bacon pink) but it still should taste fine.

Christmas Spiced Beef

6 lb. piece of Beef from the leg (weighed off the bone)
3 oz. dark brown sugar
1/2oz. Saltpetre
4 oz. Salt
1 oz. Black Peppercorns
1/2 oz. Allspice Berries
1 oz. Juniper Berries

Preparation;
Cut the meat into 3 X 2lb. joints.
Put all the other ingredients into a food processor and crush together roughly.
Rub the spices into the meat well, put into a non metal bowl and cover.
Leave this in a cool place for 2 weeks, turning the meat in the marinade every few days (it will produce a lot of its own liquour).

To Cook;
Rub off any spices and put the pieces in a roasting tin.
Cover half way up with water, and cover with two thicknesses of greaseproof paper.
Then seal the tin with a covering of tinfoil (make sure the spices are not touching the tinfoil as the will eat through it).
Bake this in a low oven (Gas 1/140C/275F) for 4 hours.
Take out of the oven and drain off the liquid.
Wrap each piece individually in greaseproof and leave to cool and set thoroughly before carving.
Serve cold, sliced extremely thinly, and serve with salad and chutney.

6 comments

Talk about the Weather

December 5, 2011
08:49 AM

Is it global warming ? I suppose so but it is most unexpected.
We are having the most remarkably warm sunny weather here at the moment- second highest December temperatures since records began in this part of the world.
Basking in comfortable 14 to 18 C days we have again moved our dining out to the terrace , I find myself ridiculously over dressed , and we have to put the air conditioner on in the car.
We have had an appalingly wet November , some mid summer temperatures in October and a summer which we found just perfect in that it never got too hot.

This doesn’t suit everyone , our firewood supplier complained bitterly about how slow his business was , and all the clothes boutiques in Beziers are offering 30% reductions on woolies.

1 comment.

Le Dejeuner Francais

December 3, 2011
09:40 AM

The French are having a problem with lunch.
This is a meal which still truly exists in France- unlike in Ireland where it has virtually disappeared.
If I remember back to my youth in Cork it was the mad rush home every lunchtime from school to eat ( my mother was a great caterer ) soup , meat and two veg , and a pudding , this was called dinner , not lunch , because it was the main meal of the day.
At six o clock , or thereabouts, one had ones “tea ” usually in winter, a rasher and egg , in summer , the leaf of lettuce, slice of ham and beetroot we called a salad.
(You then filled up with sliced pan , butter and jam)

Now we all know that the northern hemisphere has shifted its main meal from midday to the evening , dinner is now eaten at seven o clock or even eight and the miserable midday meal has been reduced to a snack ; a bowl of soup and a sandwich or even a scrappy biscuit and apple at the office desk.
The French, sensibly, are finding it much more difficult to banish lunch from their lives . The quick sandwich option does exist but is not popular , the three course lunch is still the favourite.
Workmen tied to a site during lunch will often be seen disappearing at 12.00 to their cars and returning to the site with a cool box full of good things to eat and drink (yes! alcohol is not considered taboo at midday)

This of course provides a problem for the restaurateur as they are expected to produce a three course meal of both substance and quality for all comers between 12 and 2.00.
Lunch is one of the great bargains of France , often priced between €10 and €15 or even less , you will get starter , main course and dessert sometimes even a glass of wine. (people holidaying in France on the cheap should note this well )

Interestingly we have noticed a new compromise which is insinuating itself into restaurants in our area.
This is called L’Assiete Gourmandise or the like , what it consists of is a whole lunch , all the courses , but served on the one plate .
And believe it or not I think this French compromise works excellently.
Yesterday Síle and I were Christmas shopping in Beziers and decided to have lunch in Le Patio , this is a smart restaurant in the middle price range.
We went for the Assiette Gourmandse.

This cost €15.50 per head and was described rather baldly as ; a green salad, a piece of grilled fish or beef, cheese and a mini dessert , with either a glass of wine or coffee.

It turned out to be rather more impressive than its description.

My large plate contained a little glass of excellent Gaspacho, a well dressed lettuce salad with little slivers of smoked duck , a bavette steak of beef cooked perfectly saignant as requested , a large chunk of St Paulin Cheese and a little Verrine (the French adore serving things in little glasses ) of Chocolate Mousse.
At the same time we were served a basket of bread and a glass each of wine.
Sile, who had gone for the grilled fish , was given a scattering of slivers of smoked salmon on her salad and a piece of barely cooked salmon, otherwise her plate was identical to mine.

The significant thing was that in this , maybe 40 seater restaurant , all the serving was done by one waitress , most likely the proprietor , with her husband the chef working alone in the kitchen.
They were able to produce a good quality meal for that price by economies on the wage bill rather than the food costs.

I must say at this stage that the (very large ) plate was not a mess or hodge podge of ingredients despite the amount it contained , also it allowed you to graze rather than eat each course strictly as it came – I ended up eating most of my lettuce with my cheese.
This is not the first time we have been offered this solution to the French Lunch , sometimes special plates are offered, rather in the Japanese style , with separate compartments for each course- a rather nice refinement.

I think this gives another example of the French attachment to the table , and the proper meal . They are making compromises it is true but I prefer their compromises to those practiced elsewhere.


A Christmas Plate

December 2, 2011
09:36 AM

This happened completely by chance about seven years ago in Waterford when the bucket in which we had been keeping the holly in water froze on the top giving us a perfect iced plate of holly and berries.


Lemon Tree Envy

November 30, 2011
11:43 AM

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My neighbours lemon tree (which we can see from our back window ) has hundreds of lemons all ripening beautifully.

Mine has two.


Mes Trois Villages

November 28, 2011
05:25 AM

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Murviel les Beziers, Thezan les Beziers and Corneilhan all stretched out together , with Les Monts d’Espinouse to the north protecting them.
Always my first sight of home coming back from Beziers and it always lifts my heart.

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  Martin Dwyer
Consultant Chef